Helen?

Phone rings.

HELEN: English and Drama Graduate Studies office.
ME: Hi. My name is Jessica Farris and I’ve been accepted to the Masters program in Anglo-Irish literature. I think we've talked before. I just have a quick question.
H: Sure (but it sounds like shooer). How can I help you?
M: Oh, well, you know how I’ve been accepted? Ha, of course you do. I just said it. Heh. Well, I’m still not sure when classes start or when I can move in or when any fees are due.
H: We’ll send the information out in a week and a half.
M: Oh, great. Okay, great. Thanks.
H: You’re welcome. Goodbye.
M: Bye.



Two and a half weeks later.


HELEN: English and Drama Graduate Studies office.
ME, CHECKING UP: Hi. I've called before. My name is Jessica Farris and I’ve been accepted to the Masters program in Anglo-Irish literature. I just have a quick question.
H: Right (but it sounds like reight); hello. How can I help you?
M,CU: Well, my parents just moved across the country and I used their address as the permanet mailing one. Should they be on the lookout for that packet of information yet? They say it hasn't arrived.
H: We haven't sent it. It will go out shortly.
M,CU: Oh, gotcha. Sorry to call again; I'm just so excited to know what's going on! I'll let my parents know.
H: Okay. Goodbye.
M, CU: Bye.



Hey, look at that. Two more weeks went by.


H: English and Drama Graduate Studies Office.
ME, SLIGHTLY WORRIED: Hi. My name’s Jessica Farris. Sorry I'm calling so much. I’ve been accepted to the Masters program in Anglo-Irish literature. I just have a quick question.
H: Great (but it sounds like greeeet) yes; I remember you. What’s the question?
M,SL: Oh, it’s the same one I guess. I feel like I’ve called you for like the seventh time. Haha. Hahahaha. This is probably annoying. Sorry, but I still haven't gotten the packet. I think the term starts on the 11th, but I wasn’t sure whether there was an orientation before the class starts or not and I'm trying to plan when to quit my job and visit my parents and...
H: We’ll send the information packet out in a couple of days. Orientation starts September 28th.
M,SL: The 28th? But? If the term starts...oh it’s okay. Hey, thanks. You’re always so helpful. I’ll wait for the packet.



And then guess what…


H: English and Drama Graduate Studies Office.
ME, THE AMERICAN DRIVEN TO INSANITY, WITH BAGS UNDER MY EYES AND A JAR OF FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS WHICH I CALL "BUDDY" AND CARRY EVERYWHERE UNDER MY ARM: Hi. My name’s Jessica...
H: Farris, (but it sounds like, Police? I need to take out a restraining order); I know. Yes?
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: Oh, well, oh man, I need to take you out for dinner or something, huh? We’re in a pretty committed phone relationship. Haha. Hahahaha. This is probably annoying again. Sorry. I’m sorry. Sooo, when do you think the info will be sent out? Did you do it already? I only ask because I want to book my ticket and stuff. You know, there's so much up in the air right now.
H: We’ll send it out in another few days. You can move in the week of September 4th, if you want.
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: But I don't even know if I have housing yet.
H: Right, but if you do, you can move in the week of September 4th.
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: Wonderful. Awesome. The week of the 4th. But remember when you said orientation was the 28th?
H: Yes, I do.
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: Well. Hey, I’ll keep an eye on the mailbox. Haha. Okay, but Helen?
H: Yes?
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: Do you know when this is going to arrive?
H: Yes, I do. In some time soon it will arrive.
MTADTO,WBUMEAAJOFCWIC"B"ACEUMA: Sure; of course. What did you say, Buddy? You can't wait to slap Helen's face when you see her? You're the only one who understands me. Wanna make toast?

Click.